I didn't want to be here.

I guess somehow, finally I am closing into my final year in my tertiary education. FINALLY. In my head, well pretty much blank. I'm not like who I was when I first entered this university. I use to be more ambitious, more organised, more well planned, more passion-driven, more motivated. Today, I sit here, feeling all vice versa.

I'm trying to "find myself". That's the closest word I can use to describe this. I do not know what do I want, or even can I do the simplest thing that I had been good at; i.e. to suppress what I felt. So....so. I sometimes feel trapped, feel confused, feel frustrated...like a kid. I can't hold my feelings and I throw tantrums and I loose my temper. 

I couldn't be as composed, I couldn't comprehend things that are happening all around me. I'm lost. In class, in relationships, in games, in speeches, I've lost grip on who I thought I was, or am. To many people around me, they don't see that, because it seems like I had instilled enough walls in defense to my actions now, for who I was before. 

I claim that I'm a very dominant individual. I like to be in control and somehow seem fierce to some people. Yes. I believe that it is still true. I took advantage whenever I knew I had an upper hand against any argument and I took advantage of people that I knew could move me forward or give me something I need.

Yes. I am very straight forward and objective driven and selfish individual. Or at least, that was what I had placed in my mind. I do not know who I am, what my aspirations are that fuels me, because now it's as if nothing does. I'm hanging by a thread, living a life I thought I wouldn't be. 

I literally labelled myself to be "living the life I should" instead of "living the life I want to". I'm stuck into this quicksand, sucking up my life support, the quintessential passion and desire to be free. Like a bird in a cage, a fish in a bowl.

I'm sorry that I probably am disappointing some people who use to place faith in me. I took a wrong turn, but I didn't know which exactly is the wrong turn. So I am drown in my decisions and overwhelming feelings that now, I gave up trying to float. 

Once, I felt so out of control, I had been crying more than I had over the past years in a few weeks. A tinge of awareness brought myself to check on myself, to see if I'm starting slight depression. The closest symptoms I found was major depression. 

Definition: True clinical depression is a mood disorder in which feelings of sadness, loss, anger, or frustration interfere with everyday life for weeks or longer.

So when I feel sad, I stayed awake at night and sneak out from my room to write. Write what I feel at the very moment, what I think was the source and just write to let things off my chest. 

Thats how I got to today. I haven't learn to put fullstops to places I should, just like now. I could probably writing about things that probably isn't relevant and kept ranting endlessly. I have visions of myself, but I knew my limit of my capacity to perform. I tried, and failed...but I didn't come back to try harder. I just left it there.

I do look forward to when I can recover. At least just to have a place that I want to go.