#2

Hey. 

Lately, I was kinda in between the egg or the chicken situation. I have no idea it was my negativity thats leading me down the tunnel or vice versa. 

I'm leaning forward with my toes touching the ends of the edge.

I'd like to think that it was part of the plan; to feeling high. 

When I'm alone, I'm always unconsciously and aimlessly doing things. Decisions became my greatest enemy, hesitation became my greatest friend. I overthink into stages and I kept talking to myself to keep me sane, but in the end it didn't felt that way. I resort to being only able to trust myself because I spend too much time, well... talking to myself. 

I think the probable reason that I need someone here is so I have a direction to go to. It's easier to feed someone else's needs. It's easier to follow. It's easier to succumb to whats easy. 

I guess thats one way to say why I can never tell if I ever love someone. It's like I just need a voice to tell my inner voice what to do to shut it up because I am no longer as strong as I want myself to be. There's just a little too much for myself. I've been trying to give myself directions to keep my focus ahead but there's nothing to do and I'm not as pre-occupied. I end up having to listen to songs, streaming videos, checking online shops. I kept doing things... because I had no idea what to do when alone. Even today I had to plan before I come home, where do I want to go, what to buy and what to do next and should I have a full dinner, in which I didn't whenever I'm alone. 

It feels vacant when people ask if I love someone. I never answered because either answer is sounds like a lie. Everything sounds like lie. I told myself, it's okay it doesn't matter, a relationship is just picking a best friend to spend most of your time with. 

Wait. Is this homesick too?

--

Yup. That's what its like in my head. One issue to another, and statements after another.  I think, I guess, I feel. There's just overwhelming logic in my head that when I think I should have felt something, my head starts ordering myself to break it down and analyse and then I forgot to feel eventually. 

Please save me. 

From me. 

Jean